BURNLEY is in the top 20 worst places to live in the country, so says a report out this week.

Yawn - tell me something new.

I'm not being derogatory to the people of Burnley, it's just that we've heard it all before haven't we?

In fact, I seem to remember that around this time last year some high-ranking official in Hackney was sounding-off about what an outrage it was after the London borough was voted top of the list.

And I'd bet a tenner that the local paper for Middlesbrough (named this year's worst) is, as we speak, working on a spread defending its town, rounding up mayors and local dignitaries to defend their patch.

I wouldn't waste my energy - these polls really aren't worth the paper they're written on.

Are we really bothered what a bunch of smug young researchers holed up in an office in central London think?

I know I'm not.

But just in case anybody in Burnley is offended or worried that they're living in a Dickensian cesspit, let's get a few things straight.

First off, the results of this particular poll have been worked out by a computer, based on crime rates, environment, lifestyle, health, education and employment levels.

Not by a human being who got a sense of what life in Burnley, Middlesbrough or Hackney was actually like.

They've not taken into consideration any of the things that really matter to most people - what their neighbours are like, how close to their family they live, how many mates they've got to go to the pub with at the weekend.

Mind you, at least this poll actually has some facts involved.

Most of these dodgy "surveys" plastered all over the newspapers aren't really news at all.

What they are is the product of those clipboard-wielding maniacs who hawk around shopping malls pouncing on the vulnerable and the elderly, quizzing them on everything from how much a month they spend on washing powder to what they think about Gordon Brown.

Of course any sane person knows that as soon as you see one of these market researchers heading your way you clamp your eyes to the ground and quicken your pace, walking several paces out of your way to avoid their path.

If they sneak up on you by surprise you adopt a harassed expression and say "Sorry! Not got time, I'm late!" and sprint off.

The only people that actually do stop to answer these inane questions are, quite frankly, usually a bit weird, and not what I'd call an accurate representation of the general public.

And then they have the cheek to compile the results and present the findings back to us as fact!