THE PROPENSITY of Christmas to creep up and catch a body unawares has left this normally-astute column the difficult task of drawing up its presents list at the very last minute.

However, tough as the prospect is, worse is the notion of our favoured recipients being stuck in the returned goods queue when the shops re-open after the holiday if our presents to them are not apt.

Let us, then, examine our list...

To Her Majesty - the card game, Happy Families.

Prince Philip - gobstoppers (extra large).

Prince Charles - Muslim prayer mat.

Princess Diana - Rory Bremner video.

Fergie - vanishing cream.

Steve Coppell - ditto.

Prince William - Bambi video.

John Major - tightrope walker's pole.

Tony Blair - Spice Girls single. Cherie Blair - voucher from Pickford's Removals.

Norma Major - ditto.

Chancellor Kenneth Clarke - Vera Lynn record, "There'll Always Be An England."

Teresa Gorman MP - The A-Z of Brussels.

Sir James Goldsmith - ditto.

Harriet Harman - copy of the Good Schools Guide.

Mike Hindley, MEP - ditto.

Jack Straw MP - Judge Dredd outfit.

Home Secretary Michael Howard - The Great Escape video.

Labour spin doctor Peter Mandelson - Buzz Lightyear doll (almost impossible to get hold of)

Roy Hattersley - dog muzzle

Alan Shearer - tin helmet (not to be opened until Boxing Day)

Gareth Southgate - Specsavers voucher

Paul Gascoigne - Peter Pan outfit. Mrs Gascoigne - Self-defence instruction manual.

Janet Anderson MP - ticket for Chippendales show.

Ray Harford - copy of the Finding Your Way Through the Benefits System

Jack Walker - Alan Shearer

Britain's Olympic team - pension book covers.

Archbishop of Canterbury - subscription to Gay News, sorry, Church Times.

And finally: erstwhile Tory candidate Hugh Neil - copy of Shurmer's Guide of Hyndburn.

And what we would really like to give:

At Christmas, when peace and goodwill may prevail, let us wish for other presents in the year to come.

Peace at last in Ulster, in the Middle East and throughout the world.

Freedom for Paul Wells and his fellow hostages.

And for peace and prosperity for all.

Converted for the new archive on 14 July 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.