'EKH Rupeeah da phul....Doh Repeeah da'.... let me stop you there brother before the big boys come round to your house to sort you out.

How else are we supposed to describe what's going on in the world today?. Just because old Saddam's gonna get a whooping I have to be labelled as one his henchmen everytime I say anything about war.

Mr Bush if you're gonna do it just do it...why do you have go around trying to justify killing a load of people...we all know your gonna do it anyway.

If anyone is going on holiday this summer...which most of us are...remember if your name is Abdul or sounds like Osama you are going to get stopped. I speak from experience. Just because I got a beard and wear Shalwar Kameez they think I'm part of some underground terrorist group.

I also give one ringers to people all the time they said. Hello...I'm a skinflint I don't like wasting my credits.

If I stand outside a pub for twenty minutes they think I'm hatching some secret plot to bomb the place. I gotta wait for the bus somewhere.

Everytime I go to the airport to drop my cousins off (every two weeks from mid February to mid September) I get the third degree. I got strip searched last time...lucky I had a bath that day and combed my hair.

I went to the dog track last month and was escorted off the premises...discrimination it was nothing else. OK maybe it was my fault but how was I to know only the kuthays are supposed to race.

I can't even open a bank account now without the lady over the counter asking me about where I was born and how how long I've been in this country. I speak better English than your grandma love...so don't push it. And all of a sudden they want everything from ten household bills to details about the number of wives I've got. What you think we all have four wives?...some of us find it difficult to get one.

I can't eat in public any more too. When I leave the restaurant so does everyone else.

I'm applied for this job at the local defence contractors and they wanted to know about my links to a well known group called Al-Junoon. Hey, I know the guys...they play great music and really get the crowd going but I don't particluarly want to follow in their footsteps.

I can't go to the swimming pools any more either. The CIA have installed cameras in my local swimming baths and it means I have to go before I get in.

Even the wannabe gangsters are feeling the pinch. My mates house got raided and despite him having a stash of the finest....he ended up in court for 'preaching hatred'....the brother can't even read...so what's he gonna preach.