Take your shows off now otherwise I'll put a cap in your ass!

Visit someone's house and try to keep your shoes on. Go on I dare you...walk in without taking your shoes off. It can't be done - the shoes come off and always have but it seems some people aren't taking their personal hygiene seriously these days.

Okay I understand there is a need to keep one's carpet and laminated flooring clean because some of us pray there but can I ask all the 'ganday banday' to clean their feet.

I'm not joking this is a serious matter. I'm thinking of installing a footwash in the hallway so those who haven't changed their socks in weeks can bathe their feet for a change.

Sometimes it is better for certain people to keep their shoes on.

"Look brother you may have stepped in a load of dogshite on the way here but I think it smells better than your feet do at the moment...so keep the shoes on."

And if by mistake you walk into someone's home with your shoes on you get looks from everyone as if you have committed some sort of hideous crime.

How do you know whether you are supposed to take you shoes off? There's no sign on the door.

There is always a two-second pause for most people when they enter a home. Do I take the shoes off? I want to but my feet might stink? If I pretend to be ill, will they let me off? What if I say I am a modern Londoner? What if I look stupid and pretend I don't know any Punjabi/Gujrati/Bengali?

The more money a person has the less he spends on his shoes and for one brother I know this means his socks. Outside he has brand new Merc but he still has holes in his socks. And then on top of all that he'll slag off your house because it doesn't have all the mod cons.

The same geezer will then have the nerve to pick at his feet on your brand new carpet. Which kind of sick twisted man (and woman) does that? Pick and flick on your own time and don't do it at my house.

And if the hallway if full of shoes remember I have a CCTV camera installed there. The Jhutee Chor (shoe thief) has more of a choice these days. Gone are the days when he had slim pickings at the local mosque. These days in the homes of the affluent the Rockports can go missing within seconds.

Mr Jhutee Chor I'm watching you!