Brothers and sisters and everyone else who knows me let's have a break up and do it via our texts - it's so much easier. No need to find a secret place to meet and no need to waste our bills with a long pointless phonecall.

And so it came to pass one long winter's evening:

LB: Hi

CALLER: Hia cuty where u bin?

LB: At home mostly. Bin sik. U?

CALLER: Shopin at traf centre with mates. Y havn't u called? missd u baby.

LB: Bin busy with sik.

CALLER: Sik? So did u ask parents bout marriage?

LB: Yeah sick... asked parents gonna be diff cult. Want me to go Pakistan to meet gal. Don't wanna go...but hav 2.

CALLER: Wat did u say?

LB: Nothin. Dad gets vexed all time. Says he's sik too. Luv u baby xxx

CALLER: Luv u 2? Can we meet tomoz? I need to C u. xxx

LB: Still sik. goin London.

CALLER: If ur sik why r u goin London?

LB: Gotta go funeral.

CALLER: Y?

LB: Cause...hav 2.

CALLER: I think we shud hav a talk. Cum town tomoz.

LB: I think we shud hav a break till things calms down.

CALLER: Y?

LB: Jus.

CALLER: Y u bein like dis? u okay? Ur da 1 4 me xxxx

LB: But ur not 1 4 me. Jus confused bout lyfe.

CALLER: U sein sum 1 else?

LB: No. But if I wuz wud u still luv me.

PAUSE 20 MINUTES

CALLER: Call me.

LB: Will call afta. busy now. Gotta sum bizniz to look afta. resp

PAUSE 42 MINUTES

CALLER: OK don't eva call me again.

LB: I won't.

CALLER: I H8 U so much rite now. U can hav ur stupid ring.

LB: Wateva. Lol

PAUSE 32 HOURS

LB: U there?

CALLER: Yes. wat do u want? I told u leave me alone.

LB: OK BH.

PAUSE 6 DAYS

LB: Lovey I think I made big mistake. wanna meet up?

CALLER: No. I met sum1 else. leave me alone.

LB: Why u such a BH? I luv u.

CALLER: So wat? u were seeing Yas behind my back? jus admit it.

LB: NO! who told u? Was it Taz? who u wid now?

CALLER: 4 get who told me I know everything. Ur lyd 2 me.

LB: Jus let me xplain.

NO ANSWER

PAUSE 2 DAYS

LB: baby I think I'm dyin.

NO ANSWER

LB: Ur a BH. I saw u in town wid that gy. Y did u ignore me?

NO ANSWER

LB: I got a new Merc 4 Eid

NO ANSWER

LB: Eid Mubarak and happy new year

NO ANSWER

LB: Baby txt me PLEEZ!