ell, there have been tears, tantrums and traumas, but I've survived 12 months as the owner of a computer.

Still, I wouldn't claim to know much more about it than I did on the day it was delivered, and there are countless messages frequently sent to me that I cannot fathom.

They must mean something to someone, somewhere, but I have yet to come across anyone from the real world -- as opposed to Bill Gates and salesmen who inhabit Office World -- who can sensibly translate them or who know why they appear so regularly.

T hen there are those sudden flashes of computer news whose meaning I understand but which still confuse. One of the main ones is 'Scan for threats'.

Of course I know what this means. I don't want to be plagued with viruses any more than the next person.

What I fail to grasp is that, every time this message pops up, the virus checker races through thousands of files.

It will say 'Files scanned: 189,766', or some-such astronomical number, when, in actual fact, I've only amassed about 40 files since I first turned on the machine.

The next is "Updates are ready for your computer. Click here to install"

Again, I know updates must mean exactly that, something out-of-date is being upgraded. Now, I know all about the speed of technological change but this message appears every time I turn the machine on.

Nothing needs updating that fast.

N

ext up is 'Changes have been made that affect the global template Normal. Do you want to save those changes?'

The first time I saw this message I shook with fear. That I, one woman, sitting in my house, could have done something so terrible as to affect the 'global template.'

I envisaged worldwide chaos -- the money markets, global transport links, air traffic control.

What a nightmare.

I froze for a few minutes before tentatively touching the 'No' key. Thankfully, there was nothing on the news that night and I appeared to have been spared the humiliation of being behind another Black Monday.

nd finally "Other people are using this computer and may lose work if you turn off...do you want to turn off?"

This was hard evidence that 'others' somewhere in Cyberspace were hacking into my hard drive (and I still don't know what it is).

What a dilemma. I didn't want strangers working on my computer but I also didn't want people to lose their work. Someone could be half way through a novel then I come along and delete it.

Weighing up the pros and cons, I pressed 'yes' and got out of there.

My husband's colleague, an IT expert said I shouldn't be afraid, that its hard to go wrong. I wish I could believe that. Maybe if they stopped sending all these weird messages I'd be half way there.