EDINBURGH University yesterday launched its own tartan for St Andrew's Day, with overseas students modelling the kilts. One Australian student was asked if he was wearing it like a true Scotsman.

"Put it this way mate," he replied, "when we started doing the jumps for the photographs, I was a bit worried."

Diamond geezer A WOMAN eyeing up a diamond necklace in an upmarket Glasgow jeweller asked what the company's returns policy was on purchases. She then added: "I mean, if my husband doesn't like it, will you refuse to take it back?"

Starting a kitty HOW to get a kitten, continued. A reader overheard his daughter tell her pals that she and her sister had a kitten each.

"How did you persuade your dad to let you have one each?" asked a pal.

"Easy," replied his daughter. "We started off asking for a pony and let him negotiate us down to a kitten each."

Question of belief AND talking of kids, Mercedes McGurn, writer of the play Mammy's Boys being performed at Glasgow's Merchant Square courtyard next Thursday, included the real tale of her daughter asking: "Are you a Christian, Auntie Lizzie?"

Her great-aunt hesitated, so the little girl, growing impatient, added: "Auntie Lizzie, it's easy - do you or don't you believe in Santa Claus?"

The play, set in a Glasgow police cell on Christmas Eve, stars Tom Urie, Vic Lumsden, Callum Cuthbertson and David McGowan, with proceeds going to the Prince & Princess of Wales Hospice.

Turnip for the books A READER suggested in The Herald's letters page this week that many Scots don't know the difference between a swede and a turnip. Ninian Fergus tells us: "There was no such confusion among Scottish football fans after the national team defeated Sweden in the World Cup in Italy in 1990, where many were heard to sing, I'd rather be a turnip than a Swede'."

Late arrivals THE angelic-voiced Horse McDonald, who has just signed an international digital deal for her album Red Haired Girl with American company Kosmic Music, was looking forward to getting home to Glasgow after a recent overseas trip. She and the band were running late though and, what's worse, when they arrived tired and stressed at the airport one of the band realised he had left his passport back at the hotel.

A taxi was hastily dispatched to collect it while the band anxiously waited. With only minutes to spare, it arrived, and they rushed to the check-in desk.

As the check-in attendant stared at her ticket, Horse asked: "Is there a problem?"

"Yes," said the official, "your flight left yesterday."

Packing a punch THE Braehead Arena is advertising tickets for shows which would make "the perfect Christmas present".

They include Cage Wars 2 in which contestants in a cage fight using boxing, martial arts, wrestling and kickboxing, and goth singer Marilyn Manson, whose albums include Antichrist Superstar.

Very Christmassy.

Mock manager A READER calls to tell us that the English Football Association fraud inquiry may reach as far as former boss Steve McClaren - who has to answer questions about impersonating a football manager.

Lost in translation OUR story about mishearing a local accent reminds Jacqueline Ritchie in Paisley of a holiday in Kilkenny where a local asked her in a bar: "Long hair?"

Thinking it was a strange topic of conversation she replied that she did have long hair until she was 16 but then had it cut short.

"No," said the friendly local, "I was just asking if you were here for long."

Incidentally, in one of the Kilkenny bars the publican asked if they had a mobile phone, and added: "You see this is just like the Wild West, you have to hand in your phones and they're kept behind the bar till you leave." Behind him were 10 mobiles lined up, presumably to stop phone conversations disturbing the bar's ambience.