Brian Beacom South Park is not Weir's Way

STV's plans to screen the new series of American satirical cartoon series South Park (lots of very sweary words, references to rude bits etc) has stunned Ricardo Brunelli of Strathbungo.

"I'm guessing that no-one at STV, home of Weir's Way and High Road, has ever seen South Park," he suggests.

"It's the equivalent of Radio 4's Woman's Hour sanctioning an appearance by the Prodigy, singing their classic hit, Smack My Bitch Up." Feeling a little Hungary

More outsider perceptions of Caledonia. Archie Cohn from Kilmarnock quizzed his Hungarian visitor Eva Fricska on the differences between the two cultures: for instance, how about the bagpipes?

"We have bagpipes too," said Eva. "But our main instrument of wind in Hungary is a right-wing politician called Viktor Orban."

"Is the government in Hungary as unpopular as the British government?"

"Well, the prime minister, Ferenc Gyurcsany, resigned recently. He never recovered from having told the people that, from time to time, all politicians lie to them. In other words, we hated him for telling us the truth. Maybe voters find lies comforting."

"How about social problems?"

"Sure, our kids take drugs and drink, it's a headache. But they are also respectful. In Budapest, they'd give up their seat immediately on public transport to let an old person sit down. Does that happen here?"

"Um How about the weather? Do you find it severe?"

"Severe? In Hungary it can be 30 below in winter, so it's too cold to go out. In summer it can be 40 above, so it's too hot to go out. Your weather is perfect."

"If you could take two things from Scotland back to Hungary, what would they be?"

"Hungary is a land-locked country, so I'd take your coast line. Flying into Prestwick, it was so great to sea the hills and water. Also, I'd take your litter. All those half-full pizza boxes lying in the streets each morning I'd scatter them around my town.' "Why?"

"Because they attract urban foxes. We never see those in Hungary, you're so lucky."

"Um up until recently we hunted them."

"I see. What do they taste like?"

"We didn't eat them, we just hunted them."

"You mean like bankers?"

"Yes, exactly like bankers." Problem solved

The Easter school break brings memories rushing back like starving weans at tea time for Allan Morrison from King's Park.

"A rather posh teacher joined our school and was taking a third year maths class when she wrote on the board: "Utilise the following data to solve the problem." And one wee boy called out: "Whit's this "yoot-ill-ise" mean?' The teacher replied: "Utilise Oh, it means use'." "Oh, ye mean us'," said the boy. The vest in the west

Harry Conroy from Falkirk claims the news that researchers have developed a bracelet which gives an early warning of sunburn will be most welcome in the west.

"Until now, the only way Glaswegians could tell they were sunburnt was by taking their string vest off."

Ouch.