Very few things worry me in life. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night contemplating whether I will still look cool when I'm bald.

I may give a passing thought on the odd occasion as to the importance of eating enough fibre.

I have even been heard muttering to myself about more exercise.

But nothing and I will say nothing at this moment in time is worrying me more than Wayne Rooney's right foot.

It has changed the way I think about football and sport in general.

I used to think everything happened by chance but I now know there is some sort of force at work.

The pain normally begins when the tournament starts, but not this time.

This mysterious force is ensuring that, as an England fan, I am made to suffer six whole weeks before the tournament has even begun.

I knew this would happen. It was too good to be true. Who in all honestly were we as Englishmen kidding?

Did we really think the month of May would be a breeze?

How stupid we were to think that we would take a fully fit team to the World Cup for the first time since the last time we did (whenever that was).

My wife, who normally doesn't even know what number a goalkeeper wears, felt genuinely sorry for Wayne Rooney before asking me to stop crying like a baby because the neighbours were looking.

Having been through the initial shock, I have this year decided that life is more important than football and England.

I am not going to be fooled again by false promises and the hope that we don't meet any of the good teams until the final.

Tear out this column and stick it on your fridge as I will tell you exactly what is going to happen.

England will get through the group stages and everyone will be happy for the first two weeks. We'll all watch the highlights over and over again until the next game.

We will probably get through the second round pretty comfortably.

Then it begins. At either the quarter-final or semi-final stage it will all go AWOL.

We will go ahead early on and at half-time Gary Lineker will look happy and smug.

Then something stupid will happen. Something that only happens in an England game.

We will lose and then blame some poor official for screwing the whole thing up.

And there you have it. No surprises, no false hopes and most of all no more worries.