SORRY to bring it up, but do you realise it's November 24 today and Christmas is but a mere month away.

The halls are decked with holly, the proverbial goose is getting fat and, well, I'm skint if you must know. Though I'm getting fat too, if you know what I mean.

But, no, circulation aside for a moment, its a cash flow problem that's worrying me I must say.

Basic problem I think is big plans, low budget. So what's new? I seem to have spent loads of cash but acquired the sum total of nil presents -- and I have a list longer than Mr Tickle's arm. Oh dear!

Doesn't really amount to a Merry Christmas at my house, I think you'll agree.

So. What to do. I need to think of something quick and, at the risk of going all Del Trotter on you, I have to say I think I might have actually come up with something of a sure-fire, can't lose, mega-money-making scheme. Wa-hey! This time next year I'll be a millionaire and, I'll tell you what, it won't involve asking any muppet audience or phoning a friend -- though Chris Tarrant figures quite prominently in plan B.

But no, I'm not hitting the premium rate competition lines in my bid for fame and fortune. Or just fortune. The plan is to hit the charts. And I don't see how I can lose.

You see, don't tell anyone, but I reckon these days all you have to do to land on plant pop is come up with one catchline or phrase and sing it over and over again. You don't need a chorus, any verses or even a tune judging by this week's top 10. Just bark your selected sentence 100 times a minute to any old dance track and hey presto! You're on Top of the Pops and your on Porsche 911s all round. And I reckon any problems with that particular formula and I'll simply get my dad to dig out a half decent unscratched 70s dance-flow filler and my old bon tempi organ out of the loft and away I go. If I'm feeling particularly perky I might even use a sample of the tank battle game on my brother's classic, pre-Nintendo 64 Binatone TV games console, 'cos that always seems to go down well with any record buying person under the age of 14.

And, let's be honest, if anyone over 14 has bought anything in the top 10 yet, they deserve putting up against a wall and shooting with an infra-red ray gun.

Anyway, if all else fails, my third line of chart attack involves getting my mum to rap her favourite scold "Who's let the dogs out?" while Fudge and Daisy bark incessantly in the background.

Sounds like a winner? What? Someone has already done it? Oh no, looks like I'll have to resort to her second favourite of "Who's turn is it to set the table?" Or what about "If you two don't stop arguing I'll bang your heads together," or even my particular favourite "Turn it down and do the washing up!"

Wack bon tempi drum beat numero five behind that and I'll have Pete Waterman hammering down the door, let me tell you.

In fact, I reckon I could do a fairly convincing follow-up to who let the dogs out? By getting my dad in on the act. You see, his particular all-time favourite rant was "Who has left the light on?" Which was usually swiftly followed by "Right, that's another 10p off your spending money -- and see how you like that."

So, what do you think? Have I got a top 10 hit on my hands or what? I really don't know how I do it for the money.

Mind you, the fact I haven't got any might answer that.