Review: The Hotel Inspector, Five (From This Is Lancashire)

Review: The Hotel Inspector, Five

1:59pm Thursday 29th July 2010

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I ONCE stayed in a hotel in Torquay at which the owner, having taken payment in advance, said that due to rising costs he would have to charge 5p per tea bag and 6p for milk, while, if we wanted to take a shower, that would be 20p a go.

At another hotel in Scotland, having told the chap I was vegetarian so would just have toast, beans, tomato and mushrooms for my breakfast, he barked back: “Nay mushrooms — too expensive.”

I almost considered buying him some from the shop across the road.

Then I remembered I’m from Yorkshire, so abandoned that idea on the grounds that surely makes me as stereotypically tight as a Scotsman.

Alex Polizzi has never had to stay in any hotel like those above.

As part of the Forte family (her father is Count Alessandro Polizzi and her grandfather Lord Forte), it has probably been luxury all the way for Alex, who has created a television programme that addresses this omission from her life.

In the first episode of the series, Alex visits the three-star Astor Hotel in Plymouth — home to the mighty Argyle.

Charlie Chaplin and King Carlos of Spain have apparently stayed there, though presumably not together.

Iranian-born Joseph has owned the Astor for nine years and not yet registered a profit.

The unclean carpets, shabby coat-hangers, towels on the bed (imagine!), having a pop at anyone that insults the hotel on the internet and high prices — £400 a night for the bridal suite — could have something to do with this.

Anyway, as happens in all these programmes — The Restaurant, Mary Queen of Shops etc — suggestions for improvements are made, the owner of the business doesn’t listen, the presenter becomes exasperated, the owner complies with a few requests (not the removal of the towels, though), some people visit, they don’t like it, the owner now agrees with what the presenter says (but not about the towels), there’s a revamp (the towels stay) and a relaunch (towels still there) and Bob’s yer uncle, Fanny’s yer aunt — kerching!

An Independence Day is held at the Astor, where hoteliers gather to hatch plans to tackle the big boys — like Forte, presumably.

The day goes well and Joseph, a cross between Al Capone and Jimmy Savile, is a happier man.

A quick check on the internet afterwards enables me to discover that Joseph has continued with most, but not all, of the changes.

In a message to potential visitors, he says: “The rack rates have changed since the hotel inspector’s visit and the carpet with the coffee stain has been changed, but the towels have and will continue to remain on the bed.

"The flowers in the bridal suite, they are the best thing I have ever done for the hotel.”

Damn — if it wasn’t for his refusal to move those pesky towels from the bed, I might have stayed there on my next visit to Devon.

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